Cyberformed: Inbox

[hellsringmaster]

You've reached the King of Hell. If you're calling about something trivial reconsider leaving a message.

Comments

text

[thefirstdickmaster]

hey asshole let me use
some of ur wing conditioner
im fucking all out

and you'd better not have that weak-ass pussy shit
that smells like fucking flowers and fruits or what the fucking ever

[hellsringmaster]

Firstly, I'm a seraphim and don't need wing conditioner. Secondly, even if I do have some why should I give it to you?

Go ask the birdman.

[thefirstdickmaster]

well fuck no wonder your wings look like shit
you don't fucking take care of them
sera's wings don't look like shit so i dunno what your fucking excuse is

bet you don't even fucking preen them do you?
what are you like
depressed
or something stupid like that
nah that's the dumbest shit ever
angels don't get depressed
everyone fucking knows that

anyway im in your bathroom rn looking for this wing conditioner you probably have

[He's not. He just wants to be an asshole.]

[hellsringmaster]

Do I need to point out the obvious that Sera is the high seraphim of HEAVEN? Of course her wings are well kept.

[Sure he didn't take care of his wings every single day and sure he didn't go out much but that didn't mean they looked bad, and it wasn't like he was flaunting them around in the fires of hell anyway. Flaunting his angelic nature wasn't always the best way to endear his citizens to his reign.

Lucifer was also ninety-nine percent certain Adam was not in his quarters, that would be too much effort for heaven's favorite child.]

Just go out and buy some like a normal person.

[thefirstdickmaster]

Uh? fucking hello?
I'm fucking Adam?
God's most Favourite and most Perfect creation?
Favourect
haha new fucking word
anyway I'm not some "normal person"
fuck you

also have some fucking standards bro
your wings would look good if they had a bit of shine to it
(no homo
fuck you)
and like you fucking preened them

god no wonder hell looks like shit if its king gives this little shit about anything

[hellsringmaster]

[Lucifer was very tempted to argue that first point (after all, there was creation before Earth) but ultimately he didn't feel like having that particular argument.]

Fine. If you're going to be a little bitch about it.

[On the nearest surface near Adam there is a swirl of red and gold magic, when it clears there is a bottle sitting there. The label is marketed for pets and the name "Razzle" had been written on it with black marker in Lucifer's handwriting. The bottle is about a third full and the contents are partially congealed, as if it has been sitting unused for several years.]

[thefirstdickmaster]

bro this explains so much about you
and also you're the actual little bitch
you fucking muppet
this is what I get for trying to be nice
that's the fucking devil for you I guess

[hellsringmaster]

You being nice is insulting people until you get what you want? You sure do set the bar high for the other angels. A real paragon of heavenly virtue.

That was sarcasm by the way.

[thefirstdickmaster]

[You know, in truth, Adam does feel just a touch (re: a lot) miffed that his efforts aren't being appreciated right now. An ordinary person might call this feeling 'hurt' if Adam was emotionally mature enough to recognize it as it is.

The idea that he wasn't even a little bit clear on what his actual intentions are doesn't even occur to him at all.]

bro I was offering you an olive branch
but you're like
slapping it out of my fucking hands
along with the fucking doves that are supposed to come along with them
fucking dove killer

no wonder everyone fucking hates you

[hellsringmaster]

A bit late for that, don't you think?

[thefirstdickmaster]

ofc obv ngl idgaf about u

but you're literally the only person on this stupid boat who I know
so like
temporary truce?

[hellsringmaster]

[So that's what this was all about. Lucifer took a deep breath, head tilted back as he ran hand through his hair. Much as he'd been trying not to think about it, Adam had a point. There wasn't anyone from either of their realms here. He wasn't even sure there were any humans from Earth besides the bartender.

He didn't love the idea of spending any more time than necessary in Adam's company, but it did sound exhausting to keep fighting him every other day.

There's a long delay before Adam gets an answer, one which passes over the letter salad at the beginning of the message.]

Sure.

I still don't have any wing conditioner. You're on your own there.

[thefirstdickmaster]

[Adam was prepared to be as annoying as possible to Lucifer when he inevitably rejected Adam's perfectly reas-

Oh.

Well. Now Adam isn't sure what to think, and it makes him feel some kind of way that Lucifer agreed so easily. If he took the time to examine his own complicat- Nope, still definitely hates him with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, so those feelings are properly in place so he doesn't need to examine himself any further. Adam doesn't like it when things get complicated, it's just so much easier when things are cool and easy. Like heaven! And most of the heavenborn chicks he sleeps with.]

Whatever, I don't give a shit.
asshole

[Well. Communication concluded. Thank fucking God.]